Alan Stafford
Other Samples
Examples of work by Alan Stafford.
Parsons and Naylor's Pull-Out Sections (BBC Radio 2)
"WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY ... SUPER-CASINOS" (Performers – Henry Naylor & Andy Parsons)
HENRY: (U.S.) When I arrive at the Las Vegas Hilton, a chauffeur in a peaked cap takes my keys and parks my car.
ANDY: When I arrive at Manchester’s “All-Night Bet-orama” a lad in a baseball cap grabs my keys and has it away with my car.
HENRY: My first stop is the machines. I’m gonna bag me a jackpot.
ANDY: My first stop is the machines. I’m going to bag me a Bagpuss.
HENRY: So close! I grabbed a hundred dollars, then lost it.
ANDY: So close! I grabbed its tail, then dropped it.
HENRY: I step through to the tables. I take a bet on “snake eyes”. I may stay up playing crap all night.
ANDY: I step through to the snack bar. I take a chance on the steak pies. I, too, may be staying up all night.
HENRY: Now the big game. The croupier spins the ball. I yell: “I need double zero!” A couple of gals eye me up.
ANDY: Now the big game. The caller picks up the ball. I yell: “I need two fat ladies!” A couple of old biddies duff me up.
HENRY: I step out into the early morning sunshine. I may not have any chips left – but I got me a bagful of happy memories.
ANDY: I step out into the early morning drizzle. I may not have any happy memories – but I’ve got me a bagful of chips.
Punt and Dennis: It's Been A Bad Week (Celador/BBC Radio 2)
“MRS. GORSKY” (Performers – Hugh Dennis, Mitch Benn & Sue Perkins)
FX: “2001” THEME - ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA”
HUGH: 1969 … and Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. Oh yes he did! Forget the conspiracy theories … the fluttering flag … those multiple shadows … that man in the distance setting up deckchairs. Watched by millions, he clambered down the ladder and uttered those now immortal words …
MITCH: (U.S. – DISTORT) That’s one small step for man – one giant leap for mankind.
HUGH: Far less familiar are the words he uttered as he went back up.
MITCH: (U.S. – DISTORT) Good luck, Mr Gorsky.
HUGH: “Good luck, Mr Gorsky.” For years experts have pondered the significance of those words. But now the truth can be told. As a kid, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball in his back garden … when his friend struck the ball over the fence.
FX: BASEBALL STRUCK
HUGH: Young Neil went round and discovered the ball lying by the bedroom window of his neighbours – Mr and Mrs Gorsky. Now despite it being a sunny afternoon, the curtains were tightly closed. And strange moaning sounds were coming from inside. Well, not so much moaning as pleading. Then suddenly he heard this …
SUE: (U.S.) You want me to do what?!!
HUGH: Now I can’t tell you the precise nature of the request … but judging by the clarity of Mrs Gorsky’s voice, I’d say it was an activity she wasn’t currently engaged in. She then went on to say something she would regret to her dying day.
SUE: Now listen here, Mr Gorsky. The day I do that to you – is the day that kid next-door walks on the moon.
HUGH: And hence the 21st of July 1969 was a day that literally went down in history.
Afternoon Play - Henry's Girls (Above the Title/BBC Radio 4)
It is 1689, and composer Henry Purcell (Robert Glenister) is hard at work on what will be the first ever English opera – “Dido & Aeneas”. His wife, Frances, (Chloe Annett) senses his frustration …
FRANCES: Is this the opera? So many words.
HENRY: And so ill assembled. A dog’s dinner of doggerel. By Nahum Tate – the man who gave King Lear a happy ending. The most obsequious poet in existence. Well, I say ‘poet’ … Listen [LEAFS THROUGH MANUSCRIPT} – “Let Dido smile and I’ll defy … The feeble stroke of Destin-ie.” Feeble indeed.
FRANCES: Who’s Dido?
HENRY: The Queen of Carthage. An old classical tale. She has a dalliance with a soldier. A witch casts a spell. He leaves her, she kills herself.
FRANCES: And this for a school?
HENRY: Oh, Master Tate’s changed it all about. That man rewrites everything - even his own name. Born Nahum Teate. How apt. Produced nothing but pap all his life.
FRANCES: A shame to wrestle with such poor lyrics.
HENRY: A shame? No – a challenge. The worse the words, the more intricate the melody to disguise them. ‘Tis his good fortune I’m a genius.
Sound the Horne (BBC Radio 4)
(Documentary celebrating the centenary of Kenneth Horne – presented by Jimmy Carr.)
JIMMY: Kenneth Horne - comedian, writer, businessman, quizmaster … Who said we men can’t multi-task? Without Kenneth, radio would be minus three of its greatest comedy successes … and BBC7 would be on air about four hours a day.
Absent Friends (BBC Radio 4)
(Documentary series about absentee characters in comedy shows – presented by Tony Hawks. Extract from Show 3)
TONY: Nowhere Man - that testament to indecision - was one of the many masterpieces to come from the pen of Lennon and McCartney. Or was it McCartney and Lennon? Do you think they argued whose pen it was too? Anyway, Nowhere Man, this is the place for you. Because we salute the men who aren’t there. The man who missed the Clapham omnibus. Ethelred the Unavailable. And women too. The girl who moved out of Ipanema without leaving a forwarding address. Paul Daniels and the lovely … where did she go? Yes, this series is an anthology of absenteeism. All those comedy characters you expect to turn up any minute, but don’t. It’s the radio equivalent of a glittering West End first night - starring Stephen Fry and Martine McCutcheon.
Headcases (ITV1, ITV2)
(Dan Maier as Trevor McDonald)
A new book claims the Titanic sank because it was held together by inferior cut-price rivets. Experts fear it’s only a matter of time before a similar catastrophe affects Anne Robinson’s face.
The News Quiz (BBC Radio 4)
SANDI: Scientists have made great advances in inter-species communication by teaching chimpanzees sign language. After months of effort, one chimp eventually signed back: “I appreciate all your hard work, but I’m not actually deaf.”
The Griff Rhys Jones Show (Talkback/BBC Radio 2)
Still to come ...
Where am I? What am I doing? Who are you? I spend a day in Boris Johnson's brain.
Loose Ends (BBC Radio 4)
Joan Collins criticised Baywatch's Pamela Anderson for wearing an outfit that made her resemble "a hooker on holiday". This wasn't so much a case of pot and kettle – as one of two plastic jugs and an old boiler.
Bremner, Bird and Fortune (Vera/Channel 4)
A stress therapist claims it's good for women to scream out during sex.
(AS MICHAEL WINNER) “With my girlfriends, the problem's getting them to stop.”
Pablo Picasso's daughter is to divorce her husband. She says they just don't see nose to ear any more.
The Treatment (BBC Radio 5 Live)
John Noakes, Valerie Singleton and Peter Purves are to present a special version of Blue Peter for older viewers. They'll show them a cup of tea they made earlier - then completely forgot about.
The News Huddlines (BBC Radio 2)
Jeffrey Archer's former lover says he once suggested a three-in-a-bed romp with Sebastian Coe. Typical Jeffrey - always trying to pull a fast one.
Davina McCall caused a driver to crash his car, when her low-cut dress put him in a dream. And when his face hit the air bags he thought the dream had come true.
The 11 O'Clock Show (Talkback/Channel 4)
A sex researcher is selling 'chastity knickers' which automatically call a husband's mobile when they're taken off. Already dozens of commuters have picked up their phones to hear a male voice shout: "I'm just going into a tunnel".
Afternoon Play - All Fingers and Thumbs (Above the Title/BBC Radio 4)
Theatre director Tom (Bill Nighy) confronts Sign Language interpreter Marie (Susannah Doyle) after the play’s first night …
GRAMS: PUB NOISES FADE UP AND DOWN
TOM: Well, well. If it isn’t the tick-tack girl.
MARIE: What? Oh, yes. You’re – um – the director, right? Interesting play. I liked it. The way the characters were left isolated by an uncaring society. I think a lot of our audience could …
TOM: You thought it was serious drama, then.
MARIE: Well of course. Wasn’t it?
TOM: Let’s just say on my side of the stage it was …
MARIE: I see. You’ve not worked with a Sign Language Interpreter before.
TOM: … but if the bleakness of contemporary Britain got too much, a slight twist of the head, and the audience was transported to Hawaii – with the swaying arms of Marie, our seductive hula-hula girl.
MARIE: Okay, Tom.
TOM: Grass skirt at the cleaners, I take it.
MARIE: I’m only signing the one show. I’m not here the rest of the week.
TOM: Good!
MARIE: Look, Tom. I’m tired. And you’re – well – not totally sober. Can we have this conversation some other – ?
TOM: No, let’s have it now! I find a few drinks can save a hell of a lot of pussy-footing. Now listen … I know about theatre … and what you did on that stage tonight was – was total crap.
MARIE: (QUIETLY) Thanks.
TOM: I sweat for months building layer upon layer of dramatic tension – only to have you waltz in, mugging away like some Frankie Howerd tribute act. And one word of advice …
MARIE: (COLD) Go on.
TOM: (CLOSE) … if you’re going to pull faces for a living, it’s a good idea to have a pretty one to start with.
Parsons and Naylor's Pull-Out Sections (BBC Radio 2)
"WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY ... SUPER-CASINOS" (Performers – Henry Naylor & Andy Parsons)
HENRY: (U.S.) When I arrive at the Las Vegas Hilton, a chauffeur in a peaked cap takes my keys and parks my car.
ANDY: When I arrive at Manchester’s “All-Night Bet-orama” a lad in a baseball cap grabs my keys and has it away with my car.
HENRY: My first stop is the machines. I’m gonna bag me a jackpot.
ANDY: My first stop is the machines. I’m going to bag me a Bagpuss.
HENRY: So close! I grabbed a hundred dollars, then lost it.
ANDY: So close! I grabbed its tail, then dropped it.
HENRY: I step through to the tables. I take a bet on “snake eyes”. I may stay up playing crap all night.
ANDY: I step through to the snack bar. I take a chance on the steak pies. I, too, may be staying up all night.
HENRY: Now the big game. The croupier spins the ball. I yell: “I need double zero!” A couple of gals eye me up.
ANDY: Now the big game. The caller picks up the ball. I yell: “I need two fat ladies!” A couple of old biddies duff me up.
HENRY: I step out into the early morning sunshine. I may not have any chips left – but I got me a bagful of happy memories.
ANDY: I step out into the early morning drizzle. I may not have any happy memories – but I’ve got me a bagful of chips.
Punt and Dennis: It's Been A Bad Week (Celador/BBC Radio 2)
“MRS. GORSKY” (Performers – Hugh Dennis, Mitch Benn & Sue Perkins)
FX: “2001” THEME - ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA”
HUGH: 1969 … and Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. Oh yes he did! Forget the conspiracy theories … the fluttering flag … those multiple shadows … that man in the distance setting up deckchairs. Watched by millions, he clambered down the ladder and uttered those now immortal words …
MITCH: (U.S. – DISTORT) That’s one small step for man – one giant leap for mankind.
HUGH: Far less familiar are the words he uttered as he went back up.
MITCH: (U.S. – DISTORT) Good luck, Mr Gorsky.
HUGH: “Good luck, Mr Gorsky.” For years experts have pondered the significance of those words. But now the truth can be told. As a kid, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball in his back garden … when his friend struck the ball over the fence.
FX: BASEBALL STRUCK
HUGH: Young Neil went round and discovered the ball lying by the bedroom window of his neighbours – Mr and Mrs Gorsky. Now despite it being a sunny afternoon, the curtains were tightly closed. And strange moaning sounds were coming from inside. Well, not so much moaning as pleading. Then suddenly he heard this …
SUE: (U.S.) You want me to do what?!!
HUGH: Now I can’t tell you the precise nature of the request … but judging by the clarity of Mrs Gorsky’s voice, I’d say it was an activity she wasn’t currently engaged in. She then went on to say something she would regret to her dying day.
SUE: Now listen here, Mr Gorsky. The day I do that to you – is the day that kid next-door walks on the moon.
HUGH: And hence the 21st of July 1969 was a day that literally went down in history.
Afternoon Play - Henry's Girls (Above the Title/BBC Radio 4)
It is 1689, and composer Henry Purcell (Robert Glenister) is hard at work on what will be the first ever English opera – “Dido & Aeneas”. His wife, Frances, (Chloe Annett) senses his frustration …
FRANCES: Is this the opera? So many words.
HENRY: And so ill assembled. A dog’s dinner of doggerel. By Nahum Tate – the man who gave King Lear a happy ending. The most obsequious poet in existence. Well, I say ‘poet’ … Listen [LEAFS THROUGH MANUSCRIPT} – “Let Dido smile and I’ll defy … The feeble stroke of Destin-ie.” Feeble indeed.
FRANCES: Who’s Dido?
HENRY: The Queen of Carthage. An old classical tale. She has a dalliance with a soldier. A witch casts a spell. He leaves her, she kills herself.
FRANCES: And this for a school?
HENRY: Oh, Master Tate’s changed it all about. That man rewrites everything - even his own name. Born Nahum Teate. How apt. Produced nothing but pap all his life.
FRANCES: A shame to wrestle with such poor lyrics.
HENRY: A shame? No – a challenge. The worse the words, the more intricate the melody to disguise them. ‘Tis his good fortune I’m a genius.
Sound the Horne (BBC Radio 4)
(Documentary celebrating the centenary of Kenneth Horne – presented by Jimmy Carr.)
JIMMY: Kenneth Horne - comedian, writer, businessman, quizmaster … Who said we men can’t multi-task? Without Kenneth, radio would be minus three of its greatest comedy successes … and BBC7 would be on air about four hours a day.
Absent Friends (BBC Radio 4)
(Documentary series about absentee characters in comedy shows – presented by Tony Hawks. Extract from Show 3)
TONY: Nowhere Man - that testament to indecision - was one of the many masterpieces to come from the pen of Lennon and McCartney. Or was it McCartney and Lennon? Do you think they argued whose pen it was too? Anyway, Nowhere Man, this is the place for you. Because we salute the men who aren’t there. The man who missed the Clapham omnibus. Ethelred the Unavailable. And women too. The girl who moved out of Ipanema without leaving a forwarding address. Paul Daniels and the lovely … where did she go? Yes, this series is an anthology of absenteeism. All those comedy characters you expect to turn up any minute, but don’t. It’s the radio equivalent of a glittering West End first night - starring Stephen Fry and Martine McCutcheon.
Headcases (ITV1, ITV2)
(Dan Maier as Trevor McDonald)
A new book claims the Titanic sank because it was held together by inferior cut-price rivets. Experts fear it’s only a matter of time before a similar catastrophe affects Anne Robinson’s face.
The News Quiz (BBC Radio 4)
SANDI: Scientists have made great advances in inter-species communication by teaching chimpanzees sign language. After months of effort, one chimp eventually signed back: “I appreciate all your hard work, but I’m not actually deaf.”
The Griff Rhys Jones Show (Talkback/BBC Radio 2)
Still to come ...
Where am I? What am I doing? Who are you? I spend a day in Boris Johnson's brain.
Loose Ends (BBC Radio 4)
Joan Collins criticised Baywatch's Pamela Anderson for wearing an outfit that made her resemble "a hooker on holiday". This wasn't so much a case of pot and kettle – as one of two plastic jugs and an old boiler.
Bremner, Bird and Fortune (Vera/Channel 4)
A stress therapist claims it's good for women to scream out during sex.
(AS MICHAEL WINNER) “With my girlfriends, the problem's getting them to stop.”
Pablo Picasso's daughter is to divorce her husband. She says they just don't see nose to ear any more.
The Treatment (BBC Radio 5 Live)
John Noakes, Valerie Singleton and Peter Purves are to present a special version of Blue Peter for older viewers. They'll show them a cup of tea they made earlier - then completely forgot about.
The News Huddlines (BBC Radio 2)
Jeffrey Archer's former lover says he once suggested a three-in-a-bed romp with Sebastian Coe. Typical Jeffrey - always trying to pull a fast one.
Davina McCall caused a driver to crash his car, when her low-cut dress put him in a dream. And when his face hit the air bags he thought the dream had come true.
The 11 O'Clock Show (Talkback/Channel 4)
A sex researcher is selling 'chastity knickers' which automatically call a husband's mobile when they're taken off. Already dozens of commuters have picked up their phones to hear a male voice shout: "I'm just going into a tunnel".
Afternoon Play - All Fingers and Thumbs (Above the Title/BBC Radio 4)
Theatre director Tom (Bill Nighy) confronts Sign Language interpreter Marie (Susannah Doyle) after the play’s first night …
GRAMS: PUB NOISES FADE UP AND DOWN
TOM: Well, well. If it isn’t the tick-tack girl.
MARIE: What? Oh, yes. You’re – um – the director, right? Interesting play. I liked it. The way the characters were left isolated by an uncaring society. I think a lot of our audience could …
TOM: You thought it was serious drama, then.
MARIE: Well of course. Wasn’t it?
TOM: Let’s just say on my side of the stage it was …
MARIE: I see. You’ve not worked with a Sign Language Interpreter before.
TOM: … but if the bleakness of contemporary Britain got too much, a slight twist of the head, and the audience was transported to Hawaii – with the swaying arms of Marie, our seductive hula-hula girl.
MARIE: Okay, Tom.
TOM: Grass skirt at the cleaners, I take it.
MARIE: I’m only signing the one show. I’m not here the rest of the week.
TOM: Good!
MARIE: Look, Tom. I’m tired. And you’re – well – not totally sober. Can we have this conversation some other – ?
TOM: No, let’s have it now! I find a few drinks can save a hell of a lot of pussy-footing. Now listen … I know about theatre … and what you did on that stage tonight was – was total crap.
MARIE: (QUIETLY) Thanks.
TOM: I sweat for months building layer upon layer of dramatic tension – only to have you waltz in, mugging away like some Frankie Howerd tribute act. And one word of advice …
MARIE: (COLD) Go on.
TOM: (CLOSE) … if you’re going to pull faces for a living, it’s a good idea to have a pretty one to start with.